


We All Fall Down

by MsAJNinja



Series: Wolfstar Oneshot AUs [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (lmao I'm sorry), (ok two happy scenes), Angst, Break Up, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Overuse of italics, Remus Centric, Suicidal Thoughts, Then everything goes wrong again, There's one happy scene basically, mostly canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2016-03-17
Packaged: 2018-05-20 22:29:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6027739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsAJNinja/pseuds/MsAJNinja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The breakup, the betrayal, and the deaths of loved ones all through Remus' eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We All Fall Down

**Author's Note:**

> There is so much angst I’m sorry. The majority of this was made years ago and I finally finished it (it was difficult to get through this okay, it literally has so much angst). I adore Tonks, but I didn't marry her to Remus in this fic. So if you're expected the name Teddy to be in there, you will be severely disappointed. Title comes from One Republic's "All Fall Down." 
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc., are the property of their respective owners. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Remus couldn't remember the last time Sirius said 'I love you' to him. He doesn't want to remember the last time Sirius came home, looking flushed (and not from the cold) and smelling like pine cones and cinnamon, much unlike his usual scent. He doesn't want to remember when his werewolf senses picked up another scent hidden behind pine cones and it smelled like _se_ — he didn't like to think about that too much. But he remembered the last time Sirius spoke to him— but that wasn't any better.

"I don't think I love you anymore," the love of his life declared.

"Oh," he said simply, "okay."

Not willing to say anymore in fear of breaking down and sobbing, Remus sat down on the sofa and quietly watched as Sirius quickly got all of his belongings with a simple spell. Remus watched as his friend, his ex-lover, _his—_  wait, not his anymore, he had to remind himself bitterly. Was Sirius ever his? In those moments he doubted all the fond memories of love and laughter they shared. For the past few weeks after James and Lily went into hiding, Sirius grew distant and suspicious. Remus eventually came to the conclusion that maybe his best friends didn't _trust_ him anymore. That maybe they thought he was a traitor, a spy. His throat closed up and he felt like he was suffocating, like he was drowning.

He _definitely_ remembered the conversation he had with Sirius after a night of passion and love (but maybe that was just for him).

After they had both finished, he collapsed onto the other side of the bed, breathing ragged and face flushed pink, and then crawled underneath the covers. He faced the wall and Remus was left wondering what he had done wrong. The scarred man climbed under the sheets after a few moments and hesitantly wrapped his arms around the tattooed man, entangling his legs with Sirius'. At first contact, he felt the Sirius stiffen.

 _Oh god, maybe he finally realised that I'm a monster, maybe he doesn't love me,_ Remus thought, his mind rushing with many possibilities, and all of them ending in the same area of horrible. _I need to talk with James, he might know what's wrong. I might have a chance to see Harry again too. But isn't Sirius is the Secret Keeper? That's what they said. He'll have the address._

"Hey, Padfoot?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think I could see James and Lily?" Remus regretted asking that question when he felt Sirius tensing up tighter than a coil. He felt him disentangling their legs and the questions on his tongue failed to be spoken as his voice stopped working. He closed his eyes and removed his arm from Sirius, the last link of them together gone.

"Sorry, you know how it works. No one gets in," Sirius whispered in a tone quite similar to the one he used in school, mostly toward Slytherins. Remus' heart _physically_ hurt, it was as if Sirius stabbed his heart with a blunt knife. He wanted to claw at his chest to rip away the pain that's called his heart. He felt like some fuck toy Sirius used and threw away because it was broken. Maybe he is broken. Maybe Sirius is so _repulsed_ by him he can't even look at him. Maybe he's finally becoming what his subconscious told him he would be: unwanted, unnecessary, hated, unloved—

 _No_ , he firmly told his mind to stop, _I am loved. By Sirius. He loves me and I love him._

_Sirius, please tell me you love me._

He waited for what seemed like an eternity for a reply, a sign for anything. It didn't come. He remembers the times when Sirius knew exactly what was going on in his mind, when he kissed him softly and whispered how much he was adored, how much he was worth it, worth _living_. He remembered the eyes that held him in such high regards despite all his faults. He couldn't see them now.

So as of right now, seeing Sirius gather the last of his things, the things he told himself didn't seem to hold it's truth quite as much as it did that night. The last words Sirius said to him were replaying in his head, over and over and over again.

_I don't think I love you anymore._

Remus nursed his third bottle of firewhiskey of the night, two weeks after the fucking love of his _damned_ life left. Sirius didn't take the pictures and why would he. Remus felt mocked seeing their happy expression everyday, but he couldn't bring it in himself to put it away. It was the only source of evidence that he did have joyous memories, that he was happy once because all he knows is that right now he's drowning in alcohol, unshed tears, and the bitch-of-an-emotion called depression.

The full moon was tomorrow; it was going to be the first full moon he will have without anyone by his side in years. James was obviously occupied. Peter was out on an Order mission, according to Dumbledore. And Sirius, well, he probably doesn't even want to see his face. How could he want to see the monster he is? Even Remus didn't want to his reflection in the mirror in fear of finally looking at the pathetic mess he's become.

After Sirius left, Remus tried to immerse himself in the Order. Keyword: tried. It seemed as if everyone was suspicious of him. They looked at him with unveiled wariness and fear and he thought that maybe this was the lowest his self-esteem could drop. Without the Marauders by his side, he was vulnerable to verbal attacks and questioning glances more so than usual. With Sirius not loving him, being ignored by everyone, and getting rejected by almost all jobs in both magical and non-magical worlds, he was at his lowest. If he went any lower he might just reach hell, though it feels like he was in it already.

He knew that getting a job in the Wizarding world was practically impossible for werewolves and he would have gotten a job in the Muggle world, but explaining to your boss that he was going to be off every month for a few days wouldn't be a great way to start.

Now he was mostly working the odd job here or there, living off of his minimal trust fund given to him by Dumbledore at the beginning of his career at Hogwarts (he outright refused James' proposal that he can pay for him— it was already too much, though he had a healthy suspicion that the Potters secretly inserted some money into his account), and he needed desperately to sell the house _they_ bought together soon. He couldn't pay the bills and there was a cheap one bedroom flat a few minutes from here that he could rent.

Somewhere, someone probably thought, "Wow, look at all these wonderful, nice humans. I should make this one's life terrible to balance it all out and make them friends with him so he feels like utter shite."

Merlin, he wished he would die. But he knew that other people's lives were even worse than his and the feeling of selfishness isn't something he admired. So he lived, albeit very poorly. Sometimes, he wished that he had a Time Turner that could go back years, so he could save himself all the trouble and not get bitten by a werewolf on his birthday.

See, if Remus didn't get bitten by Greyback, he wouldn't be a monster. He wouldn't have to contemplate on running away to make his parents' lives easier. He wouldn't have met Sirius and the others. And he wouldn't have such a shitty life, living with such emptiness in his heart.

He would be a normal, Hogwarts graduate, with a job and maybe even someone by his side.

But the thought of never meeting Sirius, James, and Peter firmly stopped that idea. Once they entered his life, he couldn't even imagine what it would be like without them. Though he's all alone, he's surrounded by memories that makes everything seem just a bit better, the world a bit brighter.

He sighed as he glanced at the half empty bottle of alcohol in his hand. He should stop. He _will_ stop. He'll stop and get his life back together and think about how happy Sirius probably was without him, because it's better for Sirius to be without him and happy, than with him and sad.

Another week passes by and Remus thinks that maybe things were looking up. He shouldn't have jinxed himself. He was up north, doing a mission for the Order when Dumbledore came in to talk to him. He stared, unblinking, at Dumbledore who looked at him with sad eyes as he recited the events that have passed, “The Potters have been killed by Voldemort. We've relocated Harry to his relatives, it's safer for him. Unfortunately, Sirius was involved in their deaths, he revealed their location and killed Peter along with twelve muggles in his attempt to escape. He's been captured and has been sent to Azkaban.”

He doesn't remember what happen after his former headmaster left. He could vaguely remember crying, screaming, broken furniture, and blood. He wouldn’t have survived his transformation two weeks after the news if it weren’t for Dumbledore and his quick thinking. He remembered vividly on how the wolf in him wanted to tear himself apart. And he let him. He let him because Remus had _nothing_ else to live for. Dumbledore forbade him from raising Harry, in favor of putting him with his relatives, so what had he to lose? But then he woke up weeks later, head and heart pounding with such a strange type of hurt. All Remus did was close his eyes and cry.

It wasn't until months later until he could finally say their names again without the warning sting in his eyes to bother him, though the pang in his heart still remained. It took years for Remus to actually grieve, to actually come to terms with what had happened. He retreated from the mainstream wizarding world; there were too many memories for him to stay there. He took jobs so below his capabilities a child could perform the task. 

Remus didn't move back in with his parents after it. His mother died shortly after and his father was finally starting to move on peacefully; he didn't want to intrude it. So he lived (if that's what one can call it) in a dilapidated house in Yorkshire, practically homeless when Dumbledore came knocking on his door a few years later offering him a job as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. He was about to refuse on the accounts of his affliction when Dumbledore had stated that the Wolfsbane potion would be supplied to him. And with that, Remus had a new job as the DADA professor. 

Having a stable income and a job was quite lovely. He got to see Harry grow each day (he still kicked himself for not having the guts to tell Harry about his parents) and he felt like his life was becoming infinitely better by the second. Even Snape didn't fully deter Remus; the only thing that pulled him back was him being a werewolf and missing a few days of school each month, but he managed to keep that a secret. Then came the news about Sirius breaking out of Azkaban and coming towards Hogwarts. Remus had enough pent up aggression to fight Sirius if needs be, but then his whole world flipped because Sirius came and was still radiant, covered in dirt and looking ragged, and Peter was alive and he was the traitor and he quit his job  _and_ —

And everything suddenly realigned in his mind. 

"Moony, you've been stuck in there all day," Sirius said, tapping Remus' temple with a gentle finger. They were both at Grimmauld Place, waiting and waiting and waiting. It seemed that it was all they did now. Remus looked up at Sirius, marveling at how healthy he was just after a year. 

Remus smiled crookedly and joked, "Well someone has to think for the both of us, knowing your mind." Sirius rolled his eyes and bumped his shoulder against his. The comforting gestures and easy banter didn't come as easily as he had hoped, but it did happen. 

He continued in a somber tone, "Hey, Padfoot, when... before everything happened, I mean, Merlin this is hard to ask." He took a deep breath. "Did you ever love me?"

Sirius closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against his. "Of course I did, Remus. You were the only person I think I could ever love."

Remus felt a soft kiss press onto his brow. "But when you came home that one day and you smelled of sex and you told me—"

"I lied," Sirius said simply, "it was as hard to say as it was hard to listen to, Moony; I thought you were the traitor. And I tried to go to a pick up someone at a club, but I couldn't get close them because all I thought was you." 

Something in Remus' chest lifted and it felt easier to breath after all this time. 

"I love you," Sirius said.

Remus kissed him softly and replied, "I love you too."

But in a blink of an eye (well it felt like to him), he was gone. 

Sirius was _dead_. 

And there was nothing he could do about it. Sirius Black, the man that he had loved for more than half his life, was ripped away from existence and he was left with the remnants of good memories. Harry didn't talk much about it and neither could he if he were to be honest with himself. Months dragged on and the battle continued. Harry was off with Hermione and Ron and then the battle at Hogwarts commenced. He felt as if his life had a purpose because he was doing something good, something worthwhile. 

Then there was a flash of green light and everything went dark. 

—•—

Everything was bright and Remus sat up with an ease that he hadn't had since he was a teenager, maybe even before then. A voice came from behind him, "I could've gone a few more decades without seeing you again."

He turned around in a flash and gazed at the large group assembled in front of him with wide eyes. Sirius, looking twenty years younger, grinned cheekily and poked his tongue out of his mouth. "But I've missed you. Welcome home. Moony."

He was home. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Send me prompts on my [tumblr](http://the-once-and-future-prat.tumblr.com/) if you want :3


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